[Patina] Re: Latest PDF

[Luc Moreau]

Hi Mike
Hoping it's not too late.

Here is some feedback on intro/abstract.
The intro looks much more compelling for a web science paper. I have a few
suggestions.

1. Abstract seems to indicate that the paper is about PON rather than 
its mulitidisciplinary design.
I think the abstract needs to be repitched like the intro was.

2. "We feel that this evolution is ..." I wasn't sure what evolution you 
meant. Probably what
is mentioned in previous sentence, but I thought the link could be made 
better. Also "We feel" is
not very strong.

3. "BY making the changes that occur to the data apparent" .... -> it's 
not so much about
making them apparent, but "by tracking and recording the changes that 
occur to the data ..."

4. We hope ... again, be bolder, more convinced

5. "USING the primer software methodology"  --> "ACCORDING TO ..."?

6 . In black and white, figure 5 is not very clear ...??? not sure this 
is fixable.

7. Check title of reference [12]: http://www.w3.org/TR/prov-dm/

8. [13] is duplicate of  [12]

Luc


On 02/01/2013 12:48 PM, Michael Jewell wrote:
> Now with a Related Work section, and some expansion on the Conclusions.
>
> Cheers,
> Mike
>
> -- 
> Dr Michael O. Jewell
> ECS, University of Southampton
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Patina mailing list
> Patina at ecs.soton.ac.uk
> http://mailman.ecs.soton.ac.uk/mailman/listinfo/patina

-- 
Professor Luc Moreau
Electronics and Computer Science   tel:   +44 23 8059 4487
University of Southampton          fax:   +44 23 8059 2865
Southampton SO17 1BJ               email: l.moreau at ecs.soton.ac.uk
United Kingdom                     http://www.ecs.soton.ac.uk/~lavm

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